No Place Like Home (Thanks to Woods Basement Systems)

By Todd the Raccoon

You'd think after a forced eviction, a guy would catch a break, right? Nope. Not when Woods Basement Systems is running rampant, spreading their "PolyLevel" gospel like it's the latest TikTok dance. I've been on the hunt for a new slab, a fresh start, a place where a raccoon can truly be himself – and every single lead has gone belly-up.

My first prospect was a beauty. A sprawling concrete patio, just slightly uneven, with a promising dark void underneath. I’d already scoped out the perimeter, noted the prime foraging spots (a leaky grill, a forgotten dog bowl), and was practically drawing up blueprints for my new digs. I even spotted a family of field mice already setting up shop; it would have been a vibrant new community! Then, I saw it: a little white yard sign, tucked discreetly near the uneven edge. "Free Estimate - Woods Basement Systems." My heart sank faster than a concrete slab after a heavy rain. Next thing I know, a polite-looking man in a Woods polo is out there with a fancy laser level, muttering about "voids" and "stabilization." My future home, gone before I even moved in.

Then there was the old church. Now, that was a gamble, but I'm an optimist. The concrete steps leading up to the main entrance had a fantastic lean to them, practically begging for a tenant. I imagined a quiet life, maybe even attending a few services (from a safe distance, of course). I was just about to explore the subterranean possibilities when I overheard Mrs. Gable from down the street talking to her neighbor about the "eyesore" steps. "They're finally getting an estimate from Woods!" she chirped. Seriously? Does everyone in this town have a direct line to these concrete assassins?

It's been a nightmare. Every time I find a potential spot – a cracked garage floor, a sinking walkway, even a slightly askew pool deck – the ghost of PolyLevel past rears its ugly head. Either there's a "Free Estimate" sign, or I overhear some human bragging about how they're "finally getting that settled." It's like they're actively conspiring against me.

I'm starting to think my only option is to go entirely off-grid. Maybe a hollow log? A well-maintained storm drain? It's not the spacious, high-ceilinged void I've grown accustomed to, but at this point, I can't be picky. Woods Basement Systems has cornered the market on uneven concrete, and I'm just a humble raccoon trying to find a place to call home.

Do you think they offer a frequent squatter program? Because I'm racking up the miles.